There's Something About Teddie
by Silver Dell'Aquila
Summary: When Yosuke realizes there's something off about Teddie's home-grown bod, the team begins unraveling the mysteries surrounding its creation. More importantly, they realize it's up to them to teach him the facts of life. Teddie's about to learn that being human is awkward, uncomfortable, sometimes straight-up gross - and totally worth it.
1. There's Something About Teddie

**Author's Note:** My first chapter fic! I've waited for this day :D

So, I've had my theories about Teddie's magical home-grown body ever since I first played the game, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized this shit is utterly hilarious and therefore needed to be made into a fic. So here it is! There will be science. Sweet, magical science. There will also be shameless dirty humour, in every sense of the word. But I promise to be as mature and professional about it as the characters will allow... so, probably not very ^_^; Reviews and constructive criticism are most welcome ;)

(Also Atlus owns everything, but they might not want to after I'm done here.)

And now, without further ado:

* * *

**THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT TEDDIE**

**Chapter One**

* * *

Yosuke just couldn't put his finger on it, but there was something just a little weird about Teddie. You know, besides the fact that Teddie was, well, Teddie.

It wasn't just that he was freakishly cute, or that he had magical powers of glittering that would put a certain wimpy vampire to shame. It wasn't anything to do with his coming from the TV world, or his persistent fascination with the concept of "scoring". No, it was just … something about Teddie. The more Yosuke thought about it, the more it bothered him, but he just couldn't figure out what it was.

Course, there'd been times lately when Teddie hadn't exactly been himself. Yosuke knew the kid had taken it pretty hard when Souji had left a couple months back. They'd all taken it pretty hard. Rise had been prone to bursting into tears for weeks afterwards, which would set Teddie off, and the two would cling to each other and bawl. At home, Teddie was just plain mopey, flopping about and sighing dramatically. Yukiko had just gone real quiet for a few days. Chie had overcompensated with blustering, fake cheeriness, before completely breaking down in the middle of class a few weeks later. Kanji's short fuse just got shorter. And the only sign that Naoto had been affected was that she'd been edgy, sometimes even downright snappy, for about a week after his departure, before mellowing back out to her usual rigidity.

Yosuke, for his part, had just been a little gloomy for a while, but he felt it was his duty as Souji's right hand man to hold down the fort and keep the gang together while he was gone. He knew he'd never have Souji's talent for dealing with people, but he knew his friends and he cared about them, and it was enough.

Enough, at least, to hold them all over until Souji's visit. He was hopping the train on the first day of summer vacation, to stay at Dojima-san's, and he wasn't getting back on that train until the last day. Or so he'd told Yosuke, with a firmness that plainly stated living away from his friends was as much a strain on him as it was on them. Probably more, Yosuke thought. Still, no one was more excited about Souji's visit than Teddie. Stupid bear hardly ever talked about anything else these days, now that summer was so close.

But, at this particular moment, Teddie wasn't talking at all, and the inkling that there was something strange about the boy was impossible to shake. Yosuke watched him sprawled out on his bedroom floor, reading a dirty magazine (actually _reading_ the thing, who even does that?) with a look of utmost concentration on his face, brilliant eyes narrowed as he struggled with the characters. It looked like he was reading the rag cover to cover. He'd been at it for hours. All day, now that he thought about it. Just lying there. In that exact spot. Never moving once. Not even to –

And then it hit him.

In all the time that Teddie had been living at Yosuke's, he'd never even once used the bathroom.

… _the fuck?!_

The more he thought about it, the more obvious it was. Like at work, for example. All the staff, at one point or another, had needed to get someone to cover them for a minute while they answered the call of nature. That kind of thing happened.

But it never happened to Teddie.

Yosuke was, at that very moment, just about as freaked out as he'd been the first time he'd seen Souji stick his hand into the TV at Junes, over a year ago. The memory brought on a pang in Yosuke's heart, but he shoved that aside in favor of the sick curiosity overwhelming him.

"Hey… Ted?"

Teddie's response was immediate. He flipped the magazine shut and got up on his elbows, looking right at Yosuke as though he wanted nothing more in the whole wide world than to answer his question.

"Yes, Yosuke?"

"Uhm … well, how do I put this?" Yosuke muttered, running a hand through his spiky hair. He decided on straight-up bluntness. "Do you ever have to … go to the bathroom?"

"Yes, but mostly only at work," Teddie said brightly.

"Oh. Well … Wait, really?"

"Yes! All the time," he beamed.

"I don't mean to sound weird or anything, but it's just … I've never seen you."

"Well, I don't like it," Teddie said conspirationally "But I have to go often, or else it'd get _filthy_."

"…Say what?"

"I have to go to the bathroom," Teddie said very slowly, the way you'd talk to a toddler "To _clean up!_"

"No, stupid bear!" Yosuke snapped. "I didn't mean stuff like that, I meant_ using_ the bathroom. You know, for… _other business_."

"Well, I have to go to the bathroom here to take my bubble bath every day," Teddie said, sparkling a little.

"Oh yeah, about that – Mom says you can't use that special bubble bath anymore. She's sick of cleaning glitter out of the tub—" Teddie looked crestfallen "- and she also thinks you've been using her expensive moisturizer, but I told her there's no way you'd touch that stuff."

Teddie shifted a little guiltily. A feeling of dread crept up Yosuke's spine.

"Teddie. You _didn't_."

"I have to maintain my stunning complexion! I couldn't _bear_ it if I got a wrinkle!" Teddie whined. "And it felt so nice on my skin, I just _had_ to—"

"You asshole! Get your own, if you want to use it that bad! Mom'll hit the roof if she finds out…"

"Well that's not fair, it's not the roof's fault. It's Teddie's!" the bear-turned-boy beamed with a pride that was nothing short of criminal.

"_Anyway_. About the bathroom … you're seriously telling me you never have to – I mean, you never get, like, this uncomfortable feeling, right, and – argh! I mean, you never have to … relieve yourself?"

"Yosuke," Teddie said, deadpan "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

And he went back to his magazine. Well, technically it was Yosuke's magazine. Damn bear always managed to find his stash no matter where he tried to hide it. Luckily, Yosuke never let him touch his precious, password-protected laptop. At least _some_ things in his room were still sacred.

Still, Teddie's revelation left Yosuke with an uncomfortableness. He wasn't exactly sure what to do about it though, or if there was anything that _could_ be done. Or if there was really any reason to worry about it all. In the end, he decided to bring it up with the others at some point. Maybe they would have some insight. He felt he could count on Naoto, at least, to be able to shed some light on this bizarre development. Asking for advice seemed like his best bet. Asking _tactfully_, of course. No need to be weird about it.

* * *

"Guys, Teddie doesn't poop."

They were all sitting around their usual table in the sunsplashed food court at Junes, and all the cheery atmosphere had just been sucked right out of the place by Yosuke's retardedness. It was not, he reflected, his most socially graceful moment ever.

"…Or take a piss. Or use the toilet at all." Nope. No social graces here whatsoever.

There was a silence. A weird, awkward silence in which Yosuke's thought's mostly consisted of phrases like "Oh god," "FML," and "_Why?!_"

Then Yukiko burst out laughing.

"Wh-what the hell, Yosuke-senpai!" Kanji exploded.

"That is just nasty! How would you even _know _something like that?!" Chie said, appalled.

"Shut up, I'm serious! He didn't even know what I was talking about when I asked him!"

"For real?" she exclaimed, wide-eyed. Yosuke nodded.

Yukiko doubled over onto the table, clutching her sides and howling.

Naoto said nothing, but Yosuke could _see_ the cogs turning behind her dark eyes.

"What's going on?" Teddie said, eyes moist. "Why's everyone acting like this?"

"It's alright, Teddie," Rise said, trying to be kind despite being completely bewildered (not to mention grossed out by the subject matter). "We're just trying to figure out some stuff about you, so we can understand you better."

"I don't get it …"

"Teddie." Like Souji, Naoto had a quiet, precise way of speaking that made them put on their Serious Business faces. Yukiko even tried to stifle her giggles. "Do you know what a toilet is used for?"

"No," Teddie said, blinking. "I just know they're icky and I hate cleaning them."

"I see," Naoto said slowly. "Teddie, do you ever wonder what happens to your food and drink after you consume it?"

"No," Teddie said, looking more confused than ever. "I just eat it. Nothing ever happens after that."

"I see," Naoto said again, though this time she sounded a lot more confident.

"So what exactly is wrong with him?" Yosuke asked.

"Nothing is _wrong_ with him, Yosuke-senpai," Naoto said pointedly. "Teddie simply lacks a digestive system."

That shut them up, even Yukiko, who let out a soft "Ohhh…" Then: "Oh! The x-ray!"

Naoto nodded, "Exactly, Yukiko-senpai. As you know, when Teddie was examined, his x-ray was a complete blank. The doctors couldn't find out anything about him at all. It's plain to see that he is in fact a hollow boy now, instead of a hollow bear."

Tears leaked out of Teddie's eyes. He sniffled a little.

"Aww, don't cry, Teddie," Chie said, rubbing his back. "It's alright, really…"

"I've been insensitive," Naoto said, eyes downcast. "I apologize, Teddie." And it was such a sincere apology for all it's formality that Teddie brightened instantly, teardrops turning to glitter in a heartbeat.

"Don't worry about it, dollface," he said smoothly, putting on his best sparkle.

"His pervy vocabulary is growing. We're doomed," Yosuke quipped.

Naoto brushed aside Teddie's come-on in favour of getting back to the matter at hand. There was a mystery to be solved here.

"I have a hypothesis," she stated, somewhat grandly. Now,_ that _was a Serious Business phrase if there ever was one. Yosuke sat up a little straighter and Rise leaned in across the table, steepling her fingers. Chie put on that particular frown that meant she was concentrating (and that Yosuke personally found adorable) and Yukiko's laughter had finally, mercifully ceased. Kanji, however, looked lost.

"A _what?_" he said.

"A theory that we can test and either prove or disprove. We can solve Teddie's bathroom mystery with simple science," she patiently explained, though there was an intense gleam in her eye. Yosuke could bet there was a kid behind that cool façade that was busting out chemistry sets and shouting something along the lines of "SCIENCE?! Oh my god I fucking LOVE science!"

"Cool," was all Kanji said, but he had a dopey grin on his face that made Yosuke wonder if he could see the kid, too.

"So, what's your theory?" Yukiko asked.

"This: that when Teddie grew himself a body in the TV world, he could only grow the parts that he knew about. That is, the parts he observed in the human specimens he had contact with. I also theorize that Teddie's body is capable _only_ of the things he has observed or been sufficiently informed of. In other words, his body is based on mimicry. He gets hungry because he knows humans get hungry. He can eat because he knows humans eat. I recall he would get short of breath while training in the TV world, despite having no lungs. Or he would bleed when cut, despite having no circulatory system."

"And he was sweating the first day he came out here," Rise said, "But I bet he doesn't have sweat glands, either."

"Exactly," Naoto said. "All the things Teddie's body does, it does because he has observed _our _bodies doing them."

"But he's never seen anybody take a dump," Kanji finished bluntly.

"Y-yes," Naoto said, barely missing a beat. "And since most people don't often discuss these things, he hasn't learned enough to grow the apparatus required for taking – for relieving himself, either."

Kanji nodded. "So what do we do about it?" he asked.

"We educate him. This will also test my hypothesis. If I'm correct, teaching Teddie about human anatomy in as much detail as possible will cause his body to respond, and become more like ours."

"I dunno," Rise said slowly. "It kinda feels like playing god, you know? He's fine the way he is. I mean, no offense Naoto-kun, but I don't wanna treat him like some science project."

"No offense taken, Rise-chan. In fact, that's a very good point. As the old saying goes: 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it'. Whatever it is that makes Teddie function is certainly getting the job done. In the end, it's up to him." Naoto said, gracing the boy with one of her small, secret smiles.

Teddie practically floated up off his chair. "Oh, Nao-chan! Your smile fills me with such joy! I'm willing to do anything, just to test your brilliant hypo… h-hyper… hypathis… your brilliant theory!"

"Nice save," Chie grinned.

"Thank you, Chie-chan! You're always so lovely. Unlike Yosuke, who never lets me have any fun, even when he's not home." Teddie lowered his voice to a very audible stage whisper: "He doesn't think I know, but all the good stuff is on his laptop. All I get is his crusty old ma—!"

He was silenced by a slap upside the head from Yosuke. "Shut it, bear. You're such a pain in the ass. You shouldn't even be _looking_ at – Oh. Oh god. Wait a minute…" Yosuke said, suddenly panicked.

"What? What is it, Yosuke-senpai?" Rise asked, cocking her adorable, pigtailed head.

"Uh," he said eloquently, blushing. He struggled to form actual, human words. "I-it's just. I just thought of something. If you're saying Teddie grows the parts he sees in humans … then, let's say, _theoretically_, let's say Teddie got a hold of a – a dirty magazine. From – from wherever. In theory. Would he grow a … a…?"

"A vagina?" Naoto said flatly. Yosuke nodded meekly. "No. Teddie identifies as a male. He would not grow parts he observes as being specific to females. _Theoretically_," she added, and even though her tone was as cool as ever, Yosuke felt the burn.

"Duh, Yosuke," Teddie added cheerfully. Goddamn stupid motherfucking bear. Who didn't even _poop_.

"Out of morbid curiosity," Naoto continued "Do any males appear in these theoretical magazines?"

"Dude, no! I'm not like that!" Yosuke spluttered. "Theoretically, I mean! I would only have all women stuff. You know. In theory." He slumped in his chair and prayed for some quick, painless, on-the-spot annihilation.

"I was merely asking," she said, supremely unconcerned with Yosuke's demented monologue. She turned to Teddie. "If I may, have you ever changed in the same room as the other boys, Teddie? At the Amagi Inn, for instance, or at Yosuke-senpai's house?"

"We all changed together at the Inn," Teddie said blankly. "Why?"

"Did you look closely at them?"

"No," Teddie said, frowning. "Yosuke told me when I first moved in with him that it's wrong to look at people who aren't wearing clothes. Unless they're porn stars," he recited dutifully.

"If that's the case, then you probably don't have a penis either," Naoto said, thoughtfully cupping her chin with her thumb and forefinger, oblivious of the wide-eyed stares of the others. (Except Yosuke. Yosuke was calculating how high the roof was and whether jumping off would result in a nice, swift death, or something a little more complicated.)

"Ohhh, what's a _penis_, Nao-chan?" Teddie asked eagerly.

It was too much for Yukiko. She actually fell out of her chair, laughing and snorting like some weirdly well-bred hyena-pig hybrid.

* * *

**In the Next Chapter:** Souji returns to Inaba, and each member of the team is randomly assigned their specific anatomical subject to teach our darling Ted. Yosuke hates chopsticks. Hates them forever, precious.


	2. Grasping at Straws

**Author's Note:** Thank you all so much for your feedback! You guys are diamonds, seriously *^_^* I'm going to try my very best to update at least weekly, but we'll see how we go.

I don't think this chapter is as funny as the first, but I'd love to know what you guys think. I'm actually really glad that this is the last time I'll be writing the whole team together at once for a while, because crowded scenes are _hard_.

Anyways:

* * *

**THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT TEDDIE**

**Chapter Two: Grasping at Straws  
**

* * *

"You're _kidding_."

"'Fraid not, partner," Yosuke said grimly, biting into his steak skewer. Souji had arrived the previous afternoon, looking a little pale and drawn but otherwise happy to see them all waiting for him at the station. They'd let him go home alone with the Dojimas, though, figuring it would be best for Souji to spend his first afternoon back in Inaba with his family. They also figured the journey had been exhausting, and they wanted him well rested for his "Mega-Ultra-Super-Happy-Funtimes-Welcome-Home-Mega-Bash!" Or so Teddie and Rise had dubbed it. Last Yosuke heard, they had even tried to rope Kanji into helping them make a banner.

Of course, there was some less pleasant business that needed to be dealt with before the MUSHFtWHMB, which was why Yosuke was now trying to explain to a gobsmacked Souji that their friend didn't, _couldn't_, use the toilet. It had been unanimously agreed that Yosuke would be the one to tell him, no matter how he'd begged, pleaded, and otherwise implored Naoto to do it. "But you broke the news to us _so well_, Yosuke-senpai. There's no one more qualified for the task," was Naoto's smiling comment on the matter. That girl, Yosuke reflected, could cut you up _and_ rub salt in the wound with a single sentence. She was evil, dammit! Evil!

And so, despite Yosuke's best efforts, there they were; sitting at the spindly table at Souzai Daigaku in the summer heat.

"So … not ever?" Souji said, incredulous.

"Nope. He doesn't know a thing about that stuff, or really anything about the way a human body actually works. And…" Yosuke leaned in and lowered his voice: "Naoto-kun thinks he doesn't even have a … a wang, either."

Souji leaned in too, eyes wide. This was obviously something he had not considered.

"…Have you checked?"

Yosuke nearly choked on his steak. "What the hell, man!"

"I'll take that as a no, then."

"Oh, god," Yosuke said, dropping his skewer. There went his appetite. And his desire to ever eat steak again, for as long as he lived.

Well, until he stopped coughing at least.

"So, anyway," he said, wincing and rubbing his chest. "It's up to us to teach him. Naoto-kun reckons that since Teddie's body adapts to mimic ours, if he learns more about human bodies it'll form all the right parts, and they'll show up on scans and x-rays and stuff."

"That makes sense," Souji said. "It'll be difficult, though. Teaching Teddie anything is always tricky. But if he's as eager as you say he is…"

"Dude, all Naoto had to do was _smile_ at the guy. He's eager, believe me."

"Then it's do-able," Souji said with conviction. "Of course, aside from a willing student, we'll need able teachers…" he gave Yosuke a pointed look.

"Aw, c'mon, how hard can it be? I'm pretty good at biology. Kind of. Anyways, we've got you and Naoto-kun, and Yukiko's been top of every exam since you left. We'll be fine."

Souji seemed satisfied with that. He took a bite out of his croquette, chewing thoughtfully. Souzai Daigaku's croquettes were great for mulling things over, because they practically kept you chewing for decades. Yosuke busied himself with carving Chie's initials into the side of the crate he was sitting on, using his house key. Finally, Souji swallowed and spoke.

"You know … this probably means a lot to Teddie."

Yosuke looked up to see that Souji's grey eyes had that understanding, weirdly adult look in them.

"You think?" Yosuke asked. Unable to look right into those eyes for more than a few seconds, he set to scratching out the initials he'd just carved, hacking away at the wood roughly.

"I do. As much as he loves his own world, Teddie wants to be a part of this one. Badly. He wants to be a real boy."

"Huh. Now that you mention it, he _did_ start crying when Naoto-kun told him he'd just gone from being a hollow bear to a hollow boy," Yosuke said, picking wood shavings off his key and pocketing it.

Souji was slackjawed. "She actually_ said_ that?"

"Yeah," Yosuke laughed a little. "She said she was sorry, though. He was alright. You know Teddie, man. One minute it's the end of the world, the next—"

"—He's talking about 'scoring' and begging for Topsicles, yeah," Souji laughed, and it was such a familiar laugh and it was so good to hear it again that things actually started to look a little brighter for Yosuke Hanamura.

"It's good to have you back, bro," he said suddenly, and this time he was looking Souji right in his bizarre, grey eyes.

Souji smiled wide, and Yosuke thought he looked a little less pale, a little less gaunt. Seemed like the country air was doing him good, or whatever.

"Yeah, man. It's good to be back."

* * *

"KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING'S GAAAAAAAAAME!" Rise shouted suddenly, slamming down her drink. Everyone groaned, barring Yukiko, who giggled and blushed.

They were in Dojima's living room, and Souji's Mega-Ultra-Super-Happy-Funtimes-Welcome-Home-Mega-Bash was in full swing. There was even a stupidly long, spangled banner spread all the way across the rear wall. Flecks of glitter kept falling off it, landing on the floor and in people's hair (and drinks). Kanji kept looking up at it with barely concealed pride.

The Dojimas themselves had taken a trip to Junes, to give Souji some time alone with his friends. Nanako had looked torn between her beloved brother and the commercially magical wonderland of Junes, but in the end Dojima-san had convinced her to go along, after Souji had promised that they'd be right there waiting for her when she got back.

And Yosuke knew he probably didn't want her to come back to see her Big Bro sitting on someone's lap, or worse.

"No, Rise-chan. It's not happening," Souji said, though not unkindly.

"B-but … Senpaaai! I wanna! Pretty pleeeeaaase?" she whimpered, throwing herself onto him and clutching his shirt.

"Come on, Rise-chan. You can't possibly be this drunk on atmosphere. _Again_." He was attempting to remove her fingers, with absolutely zero success. Did making tofu really make a person's hands that strong?

"But I aaaamm, and I wanna play King's Game!"

Souji looked around the room desperately, hoping for some back-up. Unfortunately, he made the mistake of meeting Teddie's eyes, which immediately lit up.

"King's Game, Sensei! King's Game, King's Game, King's game, Kiiiiing's Gaaaame!"

"Yeeeeahhh!" Rise shouted, punching the air and releasing Souji's now-crumpled shirt. "See, Teddie's game."

"Unggh…" was Souji's dignified response.

"I have a suggestion," Naoto announced, standing and brushing glitter off her trousers.

"Oooohh, Naoto-kun! You wanna play truth or dare?" Rise said, twirling one of her pigtails and winking.

"Not exactly, Rise-chan," Naoto said, producing a bundle of cheap, disposable chopsticks.

"D-don't tell me you actually wanna play?!" Kanji spluttered, startled and red-faced. His hands were still covered in glitter and there was a scrap of pink felt clinging to his black jeans.

"No, I do not," Naoto said coolly. "Actually, I thought that while we're all gathered we might discuss the situation regarding Teddie. That is, if Souji-senpai doesn't mind."

"I assure you, I have absolutely no problem with discussing Teddie's dilemma. No problem at all," Souji said quickly, like any man who'd just been saved from certain doom would.

Rise pouted. "But that's boriiiing…"

"I'd actually hoped to make it less so," Naoto smirked, toting the chopsticks.

"Well, I'm in," Yosuke said with a wink, setting his drink down on the low table.

"Yeah, between that damn game and talking about shit, I'll take the shit," Kanji said without ceremony. Or manners.

"Me too," Chie said, though she nervously eyed the chopsticks from her seat on the couch next to Yukiko, who nodded.

"Teddie doesn't mind!" the boy beamed, and that settled the matter.

"Fiiiine," Rise huffed, but she too was looking at the chopsticks, obviously intrigued.

"Very well then," Naoto said, and Yosuke could have sworn he heard the tiniest breath of relief. "As you are all aware, the last time we were gathered, we agreed to educate Teddie on the finer points of the human body, in order to test my theory that his body would adapt to reflect his knowledge. Since the task of teaching a complete, thorough course of human anatomy and biological function is monumental, it will require organization. I am proposing that we break the 'course' into separate subjects that we will each be assigned to teach Teddie."

"Sounds good," Souji said.

"Yes, I thought so," Naoto said with more than a little pride. "Since there are certain biological subjects that are less … savoury than others to discuss, I also thought that it would be only fair to assign them at random. Hence, the chopsticks," and she fanned them out in her hand like a deck of cards, to show that each of them had been tipped in a different colour. "The colours each represent a different subject. I have a legend here – " she pulled a small piece of paper from her pocket "—so there can be no dispute over which colour pertains to which topic." Naoto showed them the list; six blocks of colour lined up next to six neatly labelled subjects.

"Whoa, wait a minute," Yosuke said, "There's seven of us and I only see six subjects. It's not exactly fair if someone gets to skip out."

"I had thought that perhaps Souji-senpai might want a little more freedom on his summer vacation," Naoto muttered, not looking at them. "His time in Inaba is limited, and he has many friends and loved ones here… Actually, I had thought perhaps he might want to act as something of a teaching assistant, helping when and where he deemed fit. If this does not suit you…"

"N-no, no that's fine," Yosuke stammered, feeling like a bit of a selfish ass. "I didn't actually think about that…"

"It's a great idea, Naoto-kun," Souji said warmly.

"Yeah," Yukiko said, smiling. "You really can be so thoughtful sometimes."

"Anyway," Naoto said, a pink tinge creeping up her cheeks. "Now that that's settled, I will hand the list and the chopsticks to Souji-senpai, so there can be no accusations of cheating." Souji stood and took the items, and when he looked at the list his face split into a grin that was just a little bit wicked. The others also got to their feet (Rise swayed a little before catching herself on Kanji's arm) and gathered around their leader.

"And just so we're clear," Naoto added "There are to be no trade-offs. Are we agreed?"

Everyone nodded with varying looks of trepidation on their faces while Souji rolled the chopsticks around in his fist, shuffling them so there was no chance of anyone guessing the position of any colour. Teddie watched eagerly from his place on the floor, eyes bright as he witnessed his educational fate being decided. The room had gone very quiet.

"Well, then. Let us begin," Naoto said formally, and she took a chopstick, showing everybody the colour. "Green," she stated. "As I recall, that's—"

"The brain, and nervous system," Souji read off the list. "Nice."

Naoto smiled, satisfied, and took a seat on the couch.

"Kanji-kun, if you will," Souji said, offering the boy the fist full of potential doom. Kanji shrugged and pulled one from the back. "Blue," he said, showing Souji.

"Skeletal," Souji announced.

"Sweet!" Kanji said, and after a moment's hesitation, sat down next to Naoto, trying not to sprinkle her with glitter in the process.

"Rise-chan, you're up."

"Here goes nothin'!" she said brightly, and pulled up yellow.

"Digestive," Souji said.

"Aaawww, man," Rise giggled. "I wanted to teach Teddie sex ed!"

"Them's the rules," Souji shrugged, his eyes twinkling with humour.

"Yeah," Yosuke said. "This makes you the lucky gal who gets to teach Teddie how to make poop. How do you feel?"

Rise huffed as she sat down an Kanji's other side, muttering something about "never speaking to Yosuke-senpai ever again".

"Don't worry Rise-chan," Teddie piped up. "I'm sure you'll be the best poop teacher who ever lived!"

"Me next!" Chie announced boldly, cutting across Rise before she could say something damaging. Yosuke didn't miss the way Chie's fingers trembled as she pulled out an orange chopstick. "Well?" she yelped. Yosuke suspected she'd been trying to sound tough.

"Muscular. You're in the clear," Souji grinned, and Chie practically collapsed with relief right there, but she at least had the presence of mind to flop down onto one of the cushions.

That left Yukiko, Yosuke, and the certainty that one of them was walking away with the honour of teaching Teddie sex ed. Yukiko was starting to giggle again, but Yosuke … Yosuke felt nothing but dread. He knew what was coming, he just _knew_ it, knew it, knew it, knew it…

"Ladies first," he said, hoping he sounded confident, instead of like he was chickening out. Which he was.

Yukiko just about snatched one of the two chopsticks left in Souji's hand in her eagerness. "Purple," she announced cheerfully.

"Respiratory slash circulatory," Souji read. "Which leaves…" and he handed the end of the last chopstick to Yosuke, who moaned even as he took it.

"Pink. Very funny Naoto-kun."

"I thought so, Yosuke-senpai."

By now everyone was laughing except Yosuke and Souji, who only grinned as he dutifully read in a nice, clear voice:

"Pink – Reproductive."

"Which means _you_ get to be the lucky guy who teaches Teddie to grow some balls," Rise said acidly. "How do you feel?"

"Slightly suicidal," Yosuke said faintly.

"Aw, only slightly?" Rise simpered, her eyes narrowed. "Darn."

"Knock it off, guys," Kanji said. "We all gotta pitch in. Fair's fair."

"That's easy for you to say!" Yosuke snapped, panic raising his voice. "You're not gonna be teaching him about the birds and the bees!"

Kanji shrugged. Yosuke rounded on Souji, who was chuckling a little.

"You totally did that on purpose, didn't you?"

"You know I would never. Come on, Partner. Be gracious."

"I can't '_be gracious_', man! I gotta teach Teddie about – about _dicks_, dude! I'm tellin' you, I can't do it! We gotta re-draw, or something…!"

"No," Naoto said. "No do-overs. Fair's fair."

"No, it is not _'fair'!_ Come on, guys. Someone's gotta trade with me, or something…!"

"I thought I stated quite clearly that there were to be no trade-offs," Naoto said in a low, dangerous tone. "However, I'll humour you. If anyone is actually willing to trade, then by all means—"

"No way!"

"No, thank you."

"Fuck that."

"Nooooope!"

Yosuke had never felt so utterly betrayed in his young life. "Rise-chan! Come on, I thought you said you wanted sex ed!"

"Well I did, but watching you freak out is way more fun. You really ought to grow up, Yosuke-senpai. It's not that big a deal," she said, and Yosuke's indignation at being told to grow up by Rise Kujikawa of all people was drowned out by his horror at the situation he now found himself in.

"But … b-but…!"

"It's settled, then," Naoto interjected. "I understand that some of you may need considerable time to conduct your own research and plan your lessons. I, however, feel that I have sufficient expertise to begin at once. Therefore, I will commence Teddie's education regarding the brain and nervous system tomorrow, giving the rest of you time to prepare yourselves. Is this a satisfactory arrangement?"

There were general expressions of agreement. Except from Yosuke, who was still spluttering.

"That's pretty smart," Chie said. "I know a little bit about muscles, but not really any detailed anatomy…"

"It's a good, solid plan," Souji said, turning to look at the boy whose glittering had nothing to do with the extravagant banner. "So, Teddie, are you excited about your first day of 'school' tomorrow?"

Teddie beamed at them all, even Yosuke, who had started muttering to himself under his breath, looking pale.

"Yes, Sensei! I'll do my best to be a good student for everyone," he said with a sparkle. "You know, I dunno what you meant by 'growing balls', Rise-chan, but it sure sounds like fun!"

Souji grabbed the back of Yosuke's collar, stopping his half-hearted attempt to clamber through the Dojima's living room TV.

"Seriously, Naoto-kun?" Yosuke said, shaking slightly. "Your party games _suck._"

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thanks for sticking with me guys :D As always, feedback is much appreciated. Look out for Chapter Three: "If I Only Had A Brain", coming soon!


	3. If I Only Had a Brain

**Author's Note:** Well, here it is! I know it was kind of a long wait, so sorry about that ^_^; I didn't actually realize this chapter would turn out like this - it's actually very fluffy, if you can believe it. I didn't really want to go into all the details regarding what Teddie was actually taught, because I thought that was kind of boring. I put that aside to focus more on the characters interacting. So:

* * *

**THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT TEDDIE**

**Chapter Three: If I Only Had a Brain**

* * *

Naoto Shirogane – child prodigy, ace detective, and Prince of Yasogami High when Souji Seta was away – strode to front of the room to admire her handiwork.

Then to the back.

Then to the windows.

Then into the rear corner.

Then back to the front.

The fact was, she felt she'd done an excellent job. And when Naoto Shirogane thought she had done an excellent job, she liked to bask in it. Extensively. She pulled down the brim of her hat, nodding and smiling to herself in a satisfied way. There was a certain warm feeling she got from the sense of order that now surrounded her – that special sense of knowing she had demonstrated true and timeless good form.

The room was one of many in the Shirogane Estate that was isolated and barely used. It was stark in that traditional Japanese way, with windows on one side looking into the enclosed garden, and sliding screens on the other side leading into a long corridor.

What wasn't traditional was the battered old desk in the exact center of the room (she'd measured). Its poor condition was to be expected, considering she'd borrowed it from Kanji-kun, who had helped Yakushiji-san pack it into the back of the car the previous evening with a look of some consternation on his beet-red face. Perhaps he was sentimental about the old thing? Naoto could understand that – she herself had kept the entire collection of pistols that Souji-senpai had bought for her during the investigation.

In any case, Kanji-kun had given her the loan of his beloved desk, and she had promised to have Yakushiji-san return it to him with her thanks just as soon as she had concluded her lessons with Teddie. So there it stood, scratched and well-worn both from the TV world and the mercilessness of generations of Inaba's teenagers. It was aligned perfectly with the low lectern at the front of the room, behind which Naoto was now standing, surveying what felt like her new kingdom. Behind her and to her left was the whiteboard that usually stood in her own private study. On the wall to her right hung a small, simple tapestry; the room's sole decoration. On the far side of the room, behind the desk, she had mounted an overhead projector.

Naoto placed her hands on either side of the lectern, posing in what she felt was quite a scholarly fashion, one fitting for an educator. On the lectern sat a binder that contained her lesson plan and her notes, all spelled out and in an order that made them easy to learn.

In short, everything was flawless. There had been moments when she'd thought she was perhaps over-preparing – she had gotten strange looks from her friends when she'd left the party as early as was polite to begin work at once – but on the whole, she felt her efforts were to be appreciated, being one of those fussy people who believes being over-prepared was better by far than being under-prepared.

Yes, she was certain that her plans were sound, her expertise was more than adequate, and the environment was almost brutally conducive to learning. She could even hear a small fountain bubbling away out in the garden, it's little laughing sound soothing and tranquil. This was, for Naoto Shirogane, a divine moment of perfect serenity.

Of course, it is said that no plan survives contact with the enemy.

So when Teddie practically exploded into Naoto's divinely serene makeshift classroom, tripped over his own feet and fell spectacularly – Teddie always did everything spectacularly – before her, grinning and glittering, she really ought not to have been surprised.

"I'm heeeeerrre!" he announced from his position. (His position being: 'sprawled out on the floor at Naoto's feet.') However, ace detectives do not lose their cool easily. They remain in control of themselves, and thus they remain in control of the situation. Naoto inhaled, breathing in the mantra. Control. This was not something to fuss about. This was just … _Teddie._ She smiled.

"I can see that, Teddie. Would you like to sit down?" Control, that was the key.

"Yes, Nao-chan-sensei!"

_… Screw control._ The thought came unbidden, but Naoto barely noticed it. She had other matters to attend to.

Naoto Shirogane was a person who had been faced with situations where lightning reflexes and blindingly fast thinking meant the difference between living and dying. She had not, however, been faced with the situation of being alone with Teddie for an extended period of time, charged with teaching him about the human brain. So perhaps, given the circumstances, she might be forgiven for her moment's hesitation, which she spent blinking like a particularly dumb member of the goldfish family.

"Excuse me?!"

"You're Nao-chan, and you're teaching me!" Teddie explained proudly, plonking himself in his seat. "So, Nao-chan-sensei!"

"Teddie – well, I'm flattered, but you see, usually there is only one honorific…"

"Nao-chan-sensei gets two! It's double the honoring! Aren't you honored?" Teddie's eyes misted over as he gazed beseechingly at Naoto. One would think the fate of his whole world, nay, the entirety of all creation, rested on her being pleased with 'double the honoring'.

Which, to Naoto's mind, put her in a very uncomfortable position.

"Well, as I said, I'm flattered. But it is somewhat –" rude? Strange? Completely retarded? " – unorthodox."

"I have no idea what that means," Teddie said helpfully. "Hey, Nao-chan-sensei, are we gonna get started? I wanna learn all about my brain. Oh, but I don't have one yet. Nao-chan-sensei, teach me all about my future brain!"

"… Y-yes, Teddie. Now is as good a time as any to begin."

She cleared her throat and opened her binder.

_Click._

Naoto hastily turned the pages and skimmed her notes, trying to find an appropriate way to open the lesson. And desperately attempting to regain some sense of that beautiful inner peace she'd had just moments before.

_Click. Click._

She found the page she was looking for. "Ah. Now then, I shall begin by—"

_Clickity-click-click-clickity-click._

Naoto's eyes shot upwards to look at Teddie, who was staring, enraptured, at the pen in his hand (the one Naoto had neatly placed on the desk for him, next to a ring-bound, pre-ruled notebook) clicking away and sparkling like a firework.

"Nao-chan-sensei…" he said in a hushed, reverent voice, the likes of which one might use in a church. "Nao-chan-sensei… It clicks."

_Click. _He seemed to be reinforcing his point.

"Indeed," Naoto said shortly, and looked back at her notes, trying to find her place.

_Clickity-click._

"Nao-chan-sensei. _It clicks_."

_Click. Click._

Naoto didn't look up. "Yes, Teddie. For ease of use, it clicks. Now, as I was saying before –"

_Click. Click. Clickity._

"Is it some kind of magic? Black magic?"

Naoto barely kept from huffing an impatient sigh. She wasn't, however, able to help the involuntary twitching of her eye. _I must remain in control. I am in a position of responsibility. I am an educator_.

_Clickity-click. Click. Clickity-click._

Twitch, twitch.

"No, Teddie, it is not 'black magic'. It is simple mechanics. It uses a spring. As I was _saying_ –"

_Clickity-click-click-clickity-clack – snap!_

The end of the pen shot upwards and ricocheted off the ceiling; the spring bounced out, never to be seen again; and the cartridge fell onto the desk, clattered to the floor and rolled away. There was a moment in which the laughing fountain outside seemed terribly loud, that being due to the complete silence that accompanies utter mortification.

Teddie's eyes welled with tears as he stared at the empty barrel in his hand. Naoto resisted the sudden urge to duck behind the lectern and cover her ears.

"… I _broke_ it."

"It's quite alright, Teddie," Naoto said smoothly, if a little too fast to be entirely casual. "Allow me to fetch you a spare."

"I didn't mean to break Nao-chan-sensei's things," he wibbled, a few fat tears leaking out of his eyes.

Naoto Shirogane actually softened some at the sight. "I assure you, Teddie, it's fine. It was a cheap model. Please, excuse me…" she hastened out of the room.

On the way to her study to fetch a fresh, _non-clicking_ pen, Naoto made a detour.

She very rarely went to the cellar, being that it contained nothing much of interest to her. But on this particular occasion, she felt her visit was warranted. That did not stop her from glancing about the corridor before descending the stairs, however. Ridiculous that she should act like a criminal in her own home, of course. But still, perhaps her actions, while entirely justified, might be seen by some to be somewhat … unorthodox. And illegal. Perhaps.

She did not turn on the cellar light. It wasn't that she didn't want to attract attention; that would imply some sort of wrongdoing. No, she simply knew what she was looking for and where to find it.

So it did not take Naoto Shirogane, Detective Prince, more than ten seconds to find her Grandfather's best brandy, take a deep but measured swig straight from the bottle, and ascend the stairs, popping a mint into her mouth and nodding curtly to Yakushiji-san, who was passing on his way out to collect Grandfather's dry-cleaning.

* * *

"I think I get it now…" Teddie said slowly, staring at the projection on the whiteboard and sucking on his new, non-clicky pen ("Clicking pens are a privelege, not a right. You can have a clicking pen tomorrow _if_, and only if, you can prove yourself capable of handling an ordinary one today." "Yes, Nao-chan-sensei!")

"Do you really?" Naoto asked, wondering if she didn't sound just a bit too absurdly hopeful.

"I think," Teddie repeated.

But Naoto was nothing if not thorough. "Well, you seem to have answered most of the test questions correctly … " she thumbed through the four page document, deciphering Teddie's childlike writing. "Yes, that's quite satisfactory. Let me see your notes," she said.

"Sure!" Teddie beamed, handing over his notebook.

Naoto took it, flipped over to the first page – and stared. Her forehead creased the tiniest bit. She flipped to the second page. Stared some more. Teddie was starting to look uncomfortable.

'Nao-chan-sensei' looked at every single page that Teddie has used in that notebook, with that same unchanging, deliberately calm face.

"… Teddie?" she addressed him coolly, not looking up from the book.

"Yes, Nao-chan-sensei?" Teddie said, trying for his usual brightness, though he shuffled his feet under the desk.

"Teddie, what class is this?" she asked politely as she snapped the book shut and looked him dead in the eye. Teddie looked much like any other person who'd ever had the misfortune of being interrogated by Japan's youngest private detective – frightened and confused.

"Brain…"

"Brain, and…?"

"Brain and Nervous System."

"The Brain and Nervous System, yes," she repeated, and her eyes narrowed. "So, Teddie, if this is your class on the brain and nervous system, then would you also agree that this is _not_ the class covering Reproduction, or Sexual Education?"

"Yes, Nao-chan-sensei," Teddie looked down at his hands, cheeks burning.

"Very good, Teddie. So, if this is the case – and this is my final question – if this is the case, then why do your 'notes' consist entirely of drawings of breasts?"

"I was paying attention!" he burst out. "Honest!"

Naoto regarded him for a moment, her dark eyes boring into his. But she knew Teddie was not a liar, and his test results spoke for themselves.

"Hmm…" she said finally. "Well, you have achieved an impressive score on the test covering today's material. However, this sort of thing –" she waved the notebook " – is not appropriate. At least, not when _I_ am your teacher."

"Yes, Nao-chan-sensei," Teddie said, hanging his head.

"Very good. I believe I will forward these on to Yosuke-senpai. He is, after all, your Reproductive System teacher. I'm sure he'll be pleased to see your enthusiasm for the subject." Teddie looked up and grinned, happy to be out of trouble. If he saw Naoto's almost-malicious smirk as she took another look at his art, he gave no indication.

"That's all for today, Teddie," Naoto said, smiling at him. "You are dismissed."

Teddie shot up from his seat and darted out of the door. But when he had gotten halfway down the corridor, Naoto heard him skid to a stop and turn on his heel. He ran back into the "classroom", stopped just in front of her, panting - and bowed deeply from the waist.

Naoto nearly dropped her binder. "Teddie, wha – ?"

"Thank you very much for teaching me, Nao-chan-sensei!" he lifted his head to beam at her, sparkling.

Naoto Shirogane, cool and collected Naoto Shirogane, actually spluttered.

"Y-you're – you're quite welcome. Teddie."

Teddie threw his arms around Naoto's tiny waist.

"I love you, Nao-chan!" he cried affectionately, and he kissed her on the cheek before vanishing out the door before Naoto could so much as blink. "See you tomorrow!" he called.

Then he was gone.

Twinkling stars still lingered in the air. Naoto carefully placed the binder onto the lectern, leaning heavily on the low podium. The room was silent again – its former tranquility returned. Golden afternoon sunlight shafted through the windows. The fountain bubbled away. Far away in some other part of the house, someone was listening to a gramophone. Slowly, ever so slowly, Naoto brought her hand up to her cheek, where Teddie had kissed it with all the genuine love and affection of the truly innocent. She wouldn't have noticed the tears in her eyes if a couple of them hadn't spilled onto her lashes and cheeks.

She suddenly wished she'd had the presence of mind to hug him back.

And that, friends, was Naoto Shirogane's first brush with maternal instincts.

It was also the reason she made two trips to the cellar that day.

* * *

"So, how'd it go?" Souji asked, skimming a pebble on the river and grinning. Naoto was sitting on the bank, hugging her knees. It was sunset, and Naoto had come down to the river to clear her head, only to find Souji there, fishing and humming a placid little tune. Never one to turn away a friend, Souji had immediately asked her to stay, and she had been happy to oblige. Souji-senpai had a way of making her feel collected. Orderly. At peace. On that summer's eve, his presence was a balm that eased her troubled mind.

"He was … surprisingly adept. He's actually quite intelligent – he grasps new concepts easily and retains information well."

"Would explain why he's still asking about scoring," Souji snorted.

"Yes, but we'll leave it to Yosuke-senpai to clear that up for him."

Souji laughed, and he turned to say something. He was barefoot, his trousers rolled up so he could wade in the cool water. It was no secret that he adored the river, and on an evening like this – when the setting sun sparkled on the water like that – it was difficult not to share the sentiment. Looking at him now, with his easy stance, the way his silver hair caught the light, the way he always met her eyes as her equal; looking at him now, she felt that stirring feeling in her heart – different to the one she felt with Teddie, though just as significant. Souji must have read something on her face, because he asked:

"Anything else happen?"

Naoto said nothing for a long moment. Souji turned and waded out a little deeper, and anyone else would have thought he was totally absorbed in the task of collecting more stones from the riverbed. Naoto, however, knew he was waiting patiently for her to gather her thoughts. She took a deep breath.

"He hugged me, and kissed me on the cheek."

Souji looked back at her, eyebrows raised. "Huh. Sounds like him."

"Yes. I shouldn't have been surprised."

"Were you?"

"Well, yes, but," she took off her hat, grasping it tightly in her hands – that was the nearest she ever got to fidgeting uncomfortably. "I suppose I wasn't so much surprised at his actions as I was at how – at how I reacted."

"You kiss him back, or something?" Souji grinned, lazily flicking another stone.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Naoto snapped, flushing. Souji laughed again – of course he was only teasing her. The warm feeling inside her swelled and spread to the very tips of her fingers, and perhaps that was what made her speak. "You know, I ... It's strange to me, Senpai – but a part of me almost wishes I had."

The look Souji gave her was full of things that, before the kiss, Naoto would not have had much hope of understanding. Now, however, she saw things that seemed hauntingly, achingly familiar, only because she was certain she was feeling them within her own young heart.

* * *

_Dear Yosuke-senpai,_

_The attached are scans of Teddie's notes, taken during today's Brian/Nervous System lecture. Naturally, I have discouraged him from straying from the subject I am teaching him. However, I thought that you, being his Reproductive teacher, might find them interesting._

_Regards,_

_Naoto Shirogane_

Yosuke frowned as he opened the first file.

He blanched.

Teddie, who was wearing towels wrapped around his chest and head the way a woman would, stopped on his way to the bathroom to look over Yosuke's shoulder.

"Oh! Nao-chan-sensei sent along my notes!" he beamed happily, and skipped away.

"Wh...What the _fuck,_ Naoto!"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Sooo, not what you were expecting? That's okay, because it's not what I was expecting when I started this thing either.

Just to be clear, there's no _intended_ romance between Naoto and Teddie or Souji. I meant to write them as good and loving friends ^_^ However, you are of course free to take it however you like ;D I have to say, I'm glad I'll be able to put Naoto on a back-burner for a while. I'm hoping to be able to focus on each character throughout the story, how they handle Teddie, and how the experience changes them. Some chapters will be funnier than others and some will be more on the fluffy side.

Stay tuned, and please leave feedback. I'd love to know what you guys think about this latest chapter!


	4. True Stupidity

**Author's Note:** Sorry for the wait guys! See, I was debating for the longest time whether to actually put in this chapter, or to skip to the next chapter and tell the events of this one in a shorter, flashback form. But I felt like I really needed to get into Kanji's head a little bit, and once I had it written out I didn't want to cut it, even it is really long. I think it's because I really, really like character interaction, analysis and development. Also, I know what it's like to feel like a dumbass ^_^;

So! After a little bit of wrapping up in the beginning of the chapter, Naoto will be benched for a little while, and I hereby pass the POV torch to Kanji in:

* * *

**Chapter Four:**

**TRUE STUPIDITY**

* * *

Three days after the hugging incident, Teddie graduated from the Naoto Shirogane School of Brains and Stuff with honors. There had been no further sentimental displays, but he had bowed to her again when she had solemnly handed him the signed and sealed certificate she'd printed for him (again, because that was just how it was _done_).

His progress had been remarkable. For all his … _antics_, he displayed a boundless enthusiasm for learning, and threw himself heart and soul into his studies. Naoto Shirogane was no fool – she had figured out very early in the game that Teddie was terribly invested in becoming truly human. She found it touching in a way she would never, ever admit to anyone.

Except Souji Seta.

And perhaps Kanji Tatsumi. She had a gut feeling she could trust him.

However, Teddie's cleverness presented the team with an unexpected problem: none of the others, not even Yukiko, were ready to begin teaching their own lessons yet.

"I just don't know what to do," Yukiko had fretted, wringing her hands. They'd encountered each other in the shopping district while Yukiko had been on and errand. "I'm working as fast as I can, mostly in my breaks and on some evenings, but still … I don't really know when I'll be ready."

"Take all the time you need, Yukiko-senpai," Naoto had said. "And be careful not to overwork yourself. We all understand that this is a busy time for you."

"You've no idea," Yukiko had muttered darkly. "Tourist season. It's a nightmare, honestly. I'm doing all I can, but at this rate Mother will collapse again. Some of them are so awful to her."

"Is there anything I can do? I assure you, I'd be happy to help." Naoto had said, dark eyes flashing.

"Oh, no," Yukiko had said with a nervous laugh, smoothing out her kimono. "But thank you for offering, Naoto-kun." She'd sighed then. "Mother's given me the day off tomorrow, so I'll have a good, long time to work on it then. I might be able to get it finished, but I just know I'm going to spend the whole day worrying about her."

"She'll be well taken care of, Yukiko-senpai. Try to enjoy some of your time off. I meant it when I said you should not push yourself."

Yukiko had promised not to over-do it, to Naoto's satisfaction, and the two had parted. Still, the fact remained that Teddie was just about crying for his next lesson, and nobody was really ready to begin. So pondered Naoto Shirogane as she watched Kanji lift his precious desk from the trunk of the car one-handedly, standing outside the Textile Shop on that particularly balmy morning.

"He drew boobs on it," Kanji stated, holding the desk in his massive hands to examine the surface. "Little shit."

"I'm terribly sorry," Naoto said politely. "I did not realize. He had also drawn them in his notebook. I was … less than pleased."

Kanji smirked. "Didja lay into him, detective style?"

"Somewhat," Naoto smiled. "But that was not nearly as satisfying as e-mailing the images to Yosuke-senpai."

Kanji laughed. "Ah, y'know. Maybe we should give the guy a break. He'll suffer when he's gotta start his own lessons, yeah?"

"Maybe so. I shall consider it retribution for the pageant incident."

"Whoa, you still pissed about that?" Kanji said, incredulous. "Man, you can hold a grudge. The guy got up on stage dressed as a chick. Dragged me an' Senpai along for the ride and everything. Ain't that retribution?" He swept his hand out for emphasis. Naoto deftly dodged the desk swinging rapidly in the general direction of her face.

"Kanji-kun. That pageant was undoubtedly the most humiliating moment of my young life," she stated, planting her feet and crossing her arms. Kanji looked at a loss, blushing even as he shrugged in a display of deliberate, masculine casualness.

"Well, yeah, but … I mean, everybody loved you up there."

"That is beside the point," Naoto pressed. "I don't appreciate people making a spectacle of me."

"Okay, okay," Kanji said, holding up one hand and one desk in a gesture that looked half like he was begging for a truce, and half like he was threatening her life. "Hey look, I'm sorry. That was a dumbass thing to say."

"It's quite alright," Naoto said graciously. Then she added: "Oh, and while I'm here – how go your preparations for Teddies' Skeletal System lessons? Yukiko-senpai has been very busy of late, so she's not quite ready, but Teddie is nothing short of desperate to begin his next class."

Kanji gripped the back of his neck, not looking at her. "Aw, hell … Y'know, I still ain't anywhere near ready. I'm pretty stupid as it is. Can't believe I even thought I could teach anybody anythin', to be honest…"

This was not what Naoto was hoping to hear. Moreover, she was inexplicably irritated with his lack of faith in himself. Was he not aware that he had a sound, able mind? The very nerve of him, she thought, to stand there belittling himself when he was among the very few people that could say they were respected by Naoto Shirogane, Detective Prince.

She bit back her irritation. It did not serve her purpose, and Naoto did not hold on to things that served no purpose. She instead directed her energy into reassuring and motivating him.

"You can do it. We cannot afford to have teachers doubting themselves when Teddie has his heart set on becoming human. I have every confidence in you."

Kanji stared, looking stricken. Her tone had been rather clipped – perhaps despite her efforts she'd sounded too harsh?

"Y-you do?" Kanji eventually managed.

"Well, of course," Naoto said, relieved she had not offended him. No, that wasn't it – Naoto was surprised to find she was relieved she hadn't _hurt_ him. That was something she felt she'd have to analyze later. Right now, all she saw was that the young man before her seemed utterly lost, and she felt an unyielding urge to do something, anything, to help.

"If you're truly concerned, I can ask Yukiko-senpai to arrange a group study session at the … at the Special Headquarters tomorrow, since she has the day off. I am certain Rise-chan and Chie-senpai at least will agree."

"Y-yeah, sure. Thanks," Kanji muttered. "So I guess I'll see you then."

"My apologies," Naoto said, heading towards the car, where Yakushiji-san was standing a polite distance away from their conversation. "I will not be present. Grandfather and I are attending a matinee in the city."

"Oh. Well. Good luck with that."

Naoto gave him a long look. Kanji appeared more lost than ever, and moreover he seemed to be fighting the urge to run.

"…Indeed. Good day, Kanji-kun."

She slid into the car and shut the door, watching him awkwardly wave goodbye. Yakushiji-san started the car, and as they pulled away, Naoto realized she was working awfully hard to suppress something suspiciously akin to a giggling fit.

* * *

Kanji Tatsumi had no idea what the fuck a "matinee" was. He just knew he felt a vague sense of disappointment over the fact that Naoto was "attending" one when she could be helping him bone up.

Study. Study bones.

Shit.

He pummeled the elevator button in the foyer of Junes, unable to keep from humming the incessant, cheery music echoing off the flawlessly polished tiles and glass. Christ, but he did hate modern architecture. No class, no character, no nothin' – that shit just wasn't for him. Whether it was a building or a dress, Kanji liked things to have soul. Character.

And on the whole, secretly he really fucking hated coming to Junes. The food court was okay, but the rest of the place … something about it just set him on edge in the worst way. Could be because the place was just full of the kind of mass-produced crap he couldn't stand. Could be because it was the reason his Ma's friends were going out of business.

But if he were to think about it, the biggest reason Kanji hated being at Junes was because last year, a trip to Junes meant going right down into someone's personal hell and pulling them out of it, at the risk of his own life and the lives of his only friends.

That kind of thing stuck with a guy like Kanji.

The elevator door finally opened with a _ping_, expelling a hassled looking mother and half a dozen kids, toting balloons and yelling about every day being great at their Junes. Their shrill voices did little to improve Kanji's sour mood as he stepped into the elevator. He liked kids and all, but geez –

"Kanji! Wait up!"

Kanji gripped the elevator door and forced it open. Rise was jogging across the foyer, her pigtails bouncing with every step and her face flushing prettily with the heat and exercise. She looked like some kind of living TV commercial.

"Hey," he said shortly as she skipped across the elevator threshold and twirled to face the doors.

"Hi-hi!" she said cheerfully. She had a pink-and-cream tote bag hanging off her shoulder stuffed with textbooks, notepads, and loose papers that poked out haphazardly. Kanji stared at it as he pounded the button for the roof, taking in the soft-looking, high quality leather, the exquisite stitching, the adorable colour scheme, that cute little bow, and was that a kitten motif…?

"Looks heavy," he grunted. "Uh… may I?"

"Well, sure!" she chirped, hefting it off her shoulder. Kanji took it – the leather _was_ soft, like a dream. He hitched it up onto his own shoulder, wondering how the hell she'd carried it all the way to Junes. It was no problem for him, but for a slight girl like Rise … she must've been tougher than she looked, that was for sure.

"You're such a sweetie-pie, Kanji-kun," Rise added with a wink.

"Don't go sayin' weird shit like that," Kanji muttered, surreptitiously running a finger over the stitching. It just_ had_ to be designer. He was itching to check the label.

The elevator stopped with another _ping_ and opened onto the sunny food court. Yukiko-senpai and Yosuke-senpai were already there, waving at them cheerily from the usual table. The latter was wearing his work apron, obviously on break.

"Nice handbag," Yosuke ginned.

"Fuck up," Kanji retorted, red-faced, as he carefully hung the bag on the back of Rise's chair.

"He was carrying it for me, like a real gentleman ought to," Rise said in her most dignified voice. Course, the giggle that followed that statement was anything _but_ dignified.

"That's very kind of you, Kanji-kun," Yukiko said admiringly. Kanji said nothing, just kicked the chair next to Rise's out from under the table and sat, slouching with his elbows on his knees.

"I got drinks for everyone," Yosuke said, like he was trying to break the tension or some shit. His fault for making tension in the first place. Fucking dumbass punk with his fucking smart mouth.

But Kanji could already feel his anger slipping away. Ever since he'd met Souji-senpai, his bursts of temper had been getting shorter and shorter, and less frequent. Sometimes he thought that feeling, the feeling of just shrugging off his anger and trying to be a bigger person, was a part of what it felt like to be a real man.

Maybe this was what it felt like to just grow the hell up already.

"Thanks," he said as graciously as he could manage, taking a TaP and chugging half of it down in one go. Jesus, it was hot.

"Where's Chie-senpai?" Rise asked, sipping on a pink lemonade.

"Still not here yet," Yukiko answered. "She said she'll be a little late because she and Souji-kun are helping her father do some maintenance around the house. Chie's actually very good at fixing things, you know."

"Well, that's good. She breaks them often enough," Yosuke said with a wince.

"Aw, well," Rise said. "Should we get started without her?"

"Yes, I think so," Yukiko said, taking out a binder and a couple of textbooks. "I'm pretty confident about my knowledge, but I really don't know where to begin planning an actual lesson."

"Yeah," Rise said. "You know, it's funny – I thought I didn't know anything, right? But when I sat down and started looking stuff up, I realized there's actually a lot of stuff I already know. I guess it's 'cause I have to watch my weight and know what I'm eating, and like, how my body processes it and stuff. I just need to brush up on the details. How about you, Kanji-kun?"

"Honestly, I don't know jack," Kanji said bluntly.

"Well, if you're having trouble, don't hesitate to ask us, okay?" Yukiko said with a soft smile.

"Sure, whatever," he muttered. Then he remembered his manners: "Thanks, Senpai."

"Oh, don't mention it."

In truth, Kanji was feeling pretty damn embarrassed, and not only about the way he'd just treated his senpai. He just couldn't help being sensitive about his intellect, or lack of it; especially with people like Naoto and Yukiko-senpai around. But then, Naoto said she believed in him, or words to that effect, and that was something he'd never expected from a genius like her. And Yukiko-senpai had always been kind to him, even when they were kids.

Though he'd never admit it, there was a special place in the heart of Kanji Tatsumi for Yukiko. Ever since he could remember, he'd been just a little bit in awe of her. Truthfully, she was the only girl that Kanji had never really been afraid of. Yukiko had never once teased him about his hobbies, and he couldn't imagine her ever gossiping about him – she was just too goddamn nice for petty shit like that.

And, Kanji had to admit, she was beautiful. Always had been. And strong too – he'd never forget the first time he'd seen her Persona blast a shadow to ashes with a graceful twirl of its shimmering form, before healing the entire group, washing them over with warm life. Knowing that that was the shape of Yukiko's heart had only re-doubled the deep respect Kanji felt for his senpai.

She spoke now, turning to Yosuke.

"And how about you, Yosuke? Think you're just about ready to start _your_ lessons?" Her tone was polite, but her black eyes were laughing.

"No worries. I'm just here for the food," he joked, not looking at them.

Rise was shuffling through her papers, pouting slightly as she twiddled with her fluffy novelty pen. Yukiko opened her binder with the serene air of someone totally at home in the world of academics. Taking his cue, Kanji pulled his sparse materials (a textbook and a couple of printed pages from the shallow internet research he'd hastily done the previous night) from his studded messenger bag, trying to flatten the creases out of the printouts and wondering where the fuck to even begin. He opened the textbook and riffled through it, looking for the relevant pages, figuring he'd start with some required reading. His heart sank as he thumbed through page after page of the same dull text and shitty diagrams. He could already feel himself wanting to doze off. But the gang was counting on him, and so was Ted, dammit. Yukiko-senpai was there for him. Naoto _believed_ in him. He'd never be able to live with himself if he let them down. He'd never be able to call himself a man.

Still, bloody-minded determination aside, when he looked at that damn book he couldn't help but feel he was up shit creek without a paddle. Or a boat. Not so much as a god damn life jacket.

In short, where Yukiko Amagi felt at home, Kinji Tatsumi felt like a drowning man.

"Are you alright, Kanji-kun?" Yukiko asked. He hadn't noticed her watching him.

"Uh, y-yeah. No sweat, right?" he tried for a winning grin. He didn't know how much more of this his fragile pride could take. Fuck this. Fuck textbooks. Fuck bones. And fuck Yukiko-senpai for being so _fucking nice_ to his dumbfuck ass.

"Right," she said, mercifully unable to hear Kanji's foul inner dialogue. "If you're looking for a place to start, I'd say begin with what bones are composed of, and how they're made. Perhaps then you could study the anatomy, starting from the skull and working your way down."

"Seems logical," he muttered, unable to meet her eyes and feeling like a bit of a useless dipshit.

"Yeah! You love skulls, huh?" Rise said, fingering the skull insignia on his shirt. Kanji felt himself twitch at the touch. That touch, sudden and wholly unwanted, sending shivering sparks throughout his entire body. Sending blood racing all over – and downwards. He shrugged away from her, trying to ignore the hot lingering sensation of her fingers on his chest – Jesus, didn't the woman have any boundaries?

Rise giggled in a way that made Kanji realize she knew exactly the reaction she'd just gotten from him. Goddamn attention seeking show-off. He prayed that nobody else had noticed and he especially prayed that he wasn't blushing as hard as he thought he was.

* * *

By the time Chie and Souji arrived, Yosuke had been back at work for some time, and the remaining trio had settled into their respective grooves. Yukiko was writing furiously, scribbling things out, and rewriting them at a manic pace. Rise was taking notes calmly, jigging her foot to some bubblegum pop tune spilling, tinny, from her hot pink earbuds.

And Kanji was actually making progress. Agonizing and slow though it was (and really, the heat had to be at least partially to blame for that) he was starting to feel pretty proud of himself. He was aware that some subjects on that list would have been a damn sight harder to learn, and once he'd gotten started he began to feel a vague sense of gratitude that he'd struck it this lucky.

"Yo!" Chie announced brightly. Yukiko smiled her "Hello" and Kanji gave a vague wave, not looking up from his books. He reached over and nudged Rise distractedly – she hadn't seemed to have noticed the arrival of her beloved –

"Senpai!" the idol cried, tugging out one of her earbuds.

"Sorry we're late," Souji said politely.

"Yeah, I didn't even know how all that crud got in that pipe," Chie said, running a hand through her short hair. Kanji watched a bead of sweat roll down the arch of her neck. "I thought I was gonna hafta bail on you guys."

"Well, we got there in the end," Souji said, taking the seat on Kanji's other side. Rise pouted, a slight, sour puckering of her lips.

"I still gotta fix the fridge, but I've got a special knack for keeping the old girl running. Really, she's like an old friend," Chie said happily. "Well, I'm gonna grab a juice or something. Hey, Souji, you want? My treat for all your help today."

"I'll take a melon soda, if it's not too much trouble."

"One melon soda, comin' up!"

Chie strode away towards the vending machines, bopping a floating Teddie balloon on her way past a display.

"So, how bad was it?" Kanji asked, smirking.

"I told her to stop washing the dog in the bathtub," Souji said quietly. "Most of it was fur."

"Oh, now that is just nasty," Rise said, horrified.

"But I _am_ glad she's taking good care of him," Yukiko giggled. "It's just like her to treat a pet like one of the family."

Souji muttered something. Kanji would have bet a whole box of Topsicles he heard the phrases "makes trouble for others", "three hours on that bloody pipe" and "a hose in the yard works just as well anyway".

Chie returned laden with sodas. "I won some free cans!" she beamed, tipping them from her arms onto the table and showering everyone's work with droplets of condensation. She took the seat between Yukiko and Rise and popped her juice. "Man, it's hot. I don't even know if I'll be able to get any work done."

"'Snot so bad," Kanji muttered, brushing the worst of the moisture from his notes.

"You've gotten on well," Souji said, looking at his chicken-scratch notes and sounding impressed.

"Yeah," Kanji said proudly. "At this rate, I'll be teachin' Ted tomorrow or somethin'."

"Oh, could you?" Rise said. "I mean, I heard from Naoto-kun that he's been really anxious to keep going."

"You guys don't even know the half of it." Yosuke had returned for his short break, looking irritable. "He actually cried last night. Real tears. Sobbing. The works." He grabbed one of the sodas. Chie scowled.

"Well, why don't _you_ teach him?" she asked accusingly. "You do live together, you know."

"I'm not quite ready yet," Yosuke said loftily. "Besides, Kanji's got it covered, right?" he said with a wink. Kanji's stomach dropped.

"Don't be silly," Yukiko scolded. "Kanji-kun couldn't possibly be ready by tomorrow."

"Yes I could!" Kanji said, indignant. That was it. That was his limit. He knew Yukiko would never insult him intentionally, but dammit, that stung his pride like a bitch.

"Really?" Chie said, eyes wide. "Wow, Kanji-kun. You're making us look bad." She was smiling at him. Something pushed its way through Kanji's testosterone-clouded brain. Something about this being a very, very bad situation, and maybe he ought to quit running his mouth before he embarrassed himself any further.

"We'd all be really grateful if you could take him tomorrow," Souji said.

But, of course, it was far too late for a thing as abstract and foreign to Kanji Tatsumi as 'common sense'.

"Sure thing, Senpai! Bring it on! I could teach the little runt with my eyes closed," he gripped his bicep, victory fashion, and died a little inside. He was lying to his senpai. And for what? Pride.

Man, fuck pride.

But he'd worry about that later. He now had a much bigger, much sparklier problem.

"I'll call Ted and let him know," Yosuke said, pulling out his cell. Kanji started to sweat. "Man, I'm so relieved. I don't think I could handle letting him sleep in my futon two nights in a row. You're a real lifesaver, Kanji, y'know that?"

Kanji tried to grin as Yosuke made the call that sealed his doom.

Pride wasn't a good enough excuse, dammit, Kanji thought, listening to Teddie's ecstatic cries and thanks over Yosuke's cell, which Yosuke held at arm's length, wincing and attempting to remind Teddie about 'inside voices'.

No, this was to Kanji's mind yet another spectacular example of his tendency towards downright idiocy.

* * *

**Author's Note:** And that, boys and girls, is why Kanji is coming up next and not Yukiko. I dunno, I just thought Yukiko and Naoto might be too similar in tone and I wanted to mix things up. Is it horribly contrived? You bet your sweet bippy it is! Do I care? Not terribly. Comedy is fun like that :D

Again, I'm making my usual note about there being no deliberate romance here. Kanji is just your average hornball teenage boy and I like putting him in awkward and/or sexually tense situations with women. Why? Because I am a fan of cruel and unusual punishments ;)

And just like the character interactions in this chapter, you can take that statement to mean whatever you like.


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